I’m not grateful. I’ve heard people say after fit hit the shan that they are grateful for the experience because it made them a better person. I am not grateful for this pain. There is a struggle in me and I’m not sure yet who is winning. The one who wants to close off and be bitter. The one who thinks dead would be painless. The one who knows that.. Read More
Reframing
So my friend David kicks my ass. There’s just no bullshitting him. Which is good. And yannow, scary. But considering I’m all about facing down fear these days, and he’s the peroxide for the wound – it’s worthy pain. After my shame post he emailed: Shame…yes…we talked about shame… Shame is best friends with guilt and worry. All three are trigger emotions…telling you to act. What are you supposed to.. Read More
Loving Me
I love that, on occasion, I can feel my joy enough to do this. Photo by Lotus Carroll.
Fear
If you look at my facebook profile, you will see that I do not list this website in my profile. I go to conferences, I have paid my own way, I have BEEN paid to speak at conferences – to share what I know. My face has been on websites. My face with a fake name. Most of my family doesn’t know about the blog. The Dude’s family – no.. Read More
Shame
I’ve been reading “I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t)” by Brene Brown. It’s about shame. SHAME Yes, it’s just as fun to read about as it is to squirm through when I’m feeling it. When that burn hits my chest of “oh fuck, what did I do?” Yet here I am, doing this work for myself. Sometimes I can only read a few pages a day, sometimes.. Read More
I am . . . tenderhearted
On this “who am I” journey, part of what I have to do is make peace with my past. I also have to define what I know about myself. Some basic truths. Truth #1. I am tenderhearted. I look away from animals dead on the side of the road. As a matter of fact, for a very long time, the only way I could even COPE with those animals on.. Read More
Post 1
I’m watching the Glee funeral. I’m sitting at VDog‘s house with the cracker husband and the cracker dogs. And I’m afraid I’m going to cry. And I’m just not down with the ugly cry in front of Cracker Warrior. – I don’t know when my relationship with my Dad went to hell. I have not pinpointed the first time that I felt “less than” because of him. I know it.. Read More
Just get through this one . . .
When I was in labor with Alex, the doula told me with each contraction Just get through this one. Focusing on that ONE contraction at a time was what I needed. Just get through this one. With this break up, I’ve been all up in explaining things to other people, and to myself and . . . Just get through this one. Everything has felt so catastrophic to me. Such.. Read More
A bit of an explanation.
So by now, several of you are wondering, “Why the fuck are you putting up with any of this?” Well. The Dude and I have known each other a long time. We’ve been friends through: our middle school awkward phases his parents’ divorce his mom’s coming out his sister’s coming out his mom’s partner’s cancer my dad and wife separating his dad getting remarried his girlfriend’s pregnancy. in high school… Read More
Alone
There is a scene in the movie Runaway Bride where Julia Roberts realizes she doesn’t even know what kind of eggs she likes best. She finally sees that her whole life, she has liked the eggs of the man she is with, never learning to make up her mind, or give herself the chance to make her own decision. That scene has weighed uncomfortably in the back of my mind.. Read More
How to get free shipping from amazon
I bought a book last week at amazon. Something to help me, just maybe, understand the Dude a bit. Something that might help me even understand myself, my child. Something to help me grow as a person, and increase my compassion and patience. If I spent another dollar and change, I could get free shipping. So I bought a vibrator. (photo url)
Changes and Sacraments.
I thought about changing my hair. That’s what we do, right? Break up, then get a makeover to represent the change? Like a sacrament. Sacrament being an “outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual grace”. Except in this case it is less grace and more “pain and growth and change and fuck you and omg”. Then I realized. I actually like my damn hair right now. Apparently. Since.. Read More
Keep Breathing
Today, I just breathe. The best that I can. I will sit at my desk and I will work on signing my students out. And I will breathe. It may not be as optimistic as a bucket list, but I’m going to keep on trying. I will try Andrew Weil’s 4-7-8 breathing pattern after each student leaves my office. Basically inhale 4 counts, hold for 7 counts, exhale for 8.. Read More