After all the pain and growing and struggle. After realizing I’m okay. I’m enough. I’m happy. Admitting to the world I like myself. After choosing joy. The opportunity for brand! new! shiny! happy! giggles! is amazing. Being wise about this happy – enjoying the warmth of it, the beams of it coming off me, the uh, forgetting what I’m doing and daydreaming in front of the green tea at the.. Read More
Dreaming Big Dreams
My friends gave me roots n wings this weekend. I started daydreaming. I want my home. The home I have. I want to finish the floors and the closets and the trim. I want new appliances and a backyard fence. I want a couch and photos on the wall of the people I love. I want to get the construction destruction cleaned up. I want my home filled with my.. Read More
Daydreams
I dreamed of a new future this weekend. I felt that tingle of anticipation. Of new. Doesn’t matter if it happens or not. It was freeing and healing to picture something completely different than what I had planned. Being open to a new possibility. Excited. Anxious. Contemplating jumping off that cliff. It feels amazing. Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean.. Read More
goin home again
I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone? (Last line in Stand By Me) My magic age for having those friends was 17, and I am sitting under the stars, next to the lake of my youth, in the hotter than hell Midwest July surrounded by seven of them.(Yes everyone else has their phone out sometimes) The music from.. Read More
This Post is In Progress (and very long)
I had therapy today. 3rd session. The first therapy visit was a good foundation laying. The second was funny because when we talked about the Dude, she was so intrigued by the connection between us and so into the potential between us and the work I was doing that I thought for a while that he must be going to see her too. Which brings us today. Where she played.. Read More
Kindness
I said I would share how I got to the other side. The whole learning to like myself thing. Along the way, I have learned to be kind. I have learned to practice empathy. The empathy lessons came from Brene Brown’s book I Thought It Was Just Me. Those lessons helped me when I got shat upon from The Dude’s ex. A month later when the 13 year old had.. Read More
What I Believe
I mentioned that I like myself yeah? In my comments, someone asked if I could teach them how to get here. Well, I don’t know that I can, but I can try over the next while here to attempt. So Imma start with God. Nononononono, please don’t stop reading. Please. I’m not here to convert you or tell you that anything you believe isn’t absolutely valid. Please read. I believe.. Read More
I like myself
There. I said it. I debated saying it, wondering if it would sound too arrogant and you might roll your eyes at me like Zooey does. I got married six years ago tonight. Tonight, Scout and I wished each other Happy First Unanniversary. I’m sorry we were not right for being married to each other, and the trip out over the 4th just reaffirmed that. But damn, I’m glad we.. Read More
And Then What?
One of the books I’m reading encourages playing the “And Then What?” game when we feel afraid. Tonight I am going to HP7P2. I went to HP7P1 with the Dude and the heathens at Christmas. The day I threw the Dude out of my house it was because of the final straw of him taking that tatted up whore to see The Hangover when I had specifically asked him if.. Read More
Preparing
I named this three times before deciding “preparing” was right. I started with “Growing” then “Waiting”. I am preparing. I am preparing my home. I am making this home mine. Alex gets a little say, but really, this is my space and I’m so thrilled with the chance to create my own space. I am letting go of what I don’t need. Which will result in you seeing some photos.. Read More
For Zooey
I have excellent friends. You know this – you are one of them. Zooey was my first “adult” friend. As in the first friend I made as a post college grad, on my own terms, friend. Zooey was married (still is) to probably my polar opposite. The first I knew of him was a hyena cackle coming from the kitchen at work after he put a burrito in the microwave.. Read More
Because Life isn’t Weird Enough
I was gonna put up some fun post. But in keeping with the what. the. fuck. theme around here – I give you my facebook status from Saturday morning. “‘know how you have one of those days where you and your kiddo go to your mom’s for coffee and her greeting is, “Hey remember that person who was like family way back when we moved to the ‘burg? He’s.. Read More
How Bad It Got
Now that I am on the other side of the grief – lemme tell you . . . it got bad. There is a post sitting in my drafts where I would just pour out all the sadness and hit save and walk away. I don’t know if I will ever open it to read. I have another post where I saved each comment from facebook and twitter from my.. Read More