Kaiser Mommy

A few weeks ago there were 681 people on my friends list. Tonight there are 314. For the most part, I decided there is a difference between people I know and people I once knew. People I wanted to know, and people I *do* know. I had a friend who once redrew the biblical story about the woman who looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. What’s made.. Read More

I’m an introvert through and through. I *adore* extroverts. I don’t want to be one, but I do sometimes imagine myself as one – the person yelling the loudest at a baseball game – the one who runs in front of people and starts the wave – the one who dances on the table with lampshade on her head . . . Give me an extrovert as a partner in.. Read More

I’m sad. I’m coping, but I’m still sad. Spring Cleaning my life is leaving me with the need to sit quietly and feel the sad. Not the need to write an emo poem, just feeling it out, letting it happen, knowing it will heal. I think anytime we make a decision, it comes with a certain amount of grief for the road not taken. Having a child or not. Having.. Read More

I came to an uneasy feeling truce with Easter this year. It began with it’s usual shit-storm on my life two weeks ago, and continued to destroy relationships and plans right up until Wednesday before the Bunny-eared Lich Jesus holiday. On that day, I started picking up the bricks of the rubble of my world and throwing them back. I starting tearing things down on my own terms. On the.. Read More

So. The Dude had to drop by to give me my payment. You know, for the shitloads of cash he still owes me. I was working on installing a shelf along the fireplace wall – down by the floor – with the front door open . . . When I heard the car door slam, I leaned forward at the knees to drill an anchor into the wall. I inspected.. Read More

I don’t trust most people. I’m just not built that way. I am an introvert with no desire to change that core piece of who I am. I love who I love and I hate who I hate. I do my best to keep people in the neutral zone when I am not sure – because once they have moved into the bad place, there’s rarely a coming back from.. Read More

It’s one thing to declare I’m going to be a TFB* and look out for myself and demand better. It’s another to sit in this breathless fear after sending a message to someone with the reminder, hey, remember me? here’s a fucking tip – answer when I talk to you (paraphrased). The good girl pleaser (see also: doormat) me is thinking, “what if they don’t like me after this?”. The.. Read More

I got asked that simple question on Saturday. “What do you want?” My answer was immediate. Person didn’t want to know the answer, person shouldn’t have asked. I’m a little dangerous healed. “I want to come real close to first. I’m done being 5th or 6th or whatever, I want to be first.” The follow up, “That’s how it’s been for you?” … uh yeah. My whole life. I thought.. Read More