I had it marked on the calendar for this 40 some days.

August 1, 2011. Declaration Day.

The day I would end my silence between the Dude and I.

The day I would declare where I stood.

After taking real time to be on my own and examine it all.

After giving him the chance to show how he really felt.

On this day, I declare I am done. After all these months, I am done. After all the praying, reading, learning, trying. I am done.

Knowing that I did everything I could. I exhausted every resource. I exhausted myself. I came up with every viable solution.

Knowing I loved and I loved really well.

Knowing I forgave. Again and again.

I have found abilities in myself that I had never met till now.

Maybe another life, maybe another form of relationship, maybe nothing at all.

Declaration Day.

The day I walk away. My choice.

The day I am done with “could’ve beens” and looking back and regrets.

The day I look at right now and feel ecstatic over how wonderful I am, this day is, my life is.

I am choosing me. I am choosing joy.

I hope you someday find your peace, your love, your joy, and that you realize you are so much more than worthless.

Goodbye, Ryan.