Kaiser Mommy

So much has changed. The life I imagined for Alex and I just isn’t there anymore. I’m having to let go of so many things that have made me happy. In the last year I have had more joy than in the years before. I miss that joy. That laughter. That hope of a happy future. My heart . . . my spirit . . . hurts so much from.. Read More

First things first. After my post about “are there any happy men” I think some thought I was actually looking for one. Hell no. No men. I have plenty of the critters running around my world, and I like my bed the way it is right now. I was just curious whether or not the mythic “happy man” existed or if society/breeding/Darwin/sports had beaten the happy right out of all.. Read More

To the outside world, my dad was f’awesome. He had a huge heart and worked hard and was funny and charming and generous. My dad was deep down not a happy person. I knew immediately when he began taking something for it because the mood lifted. I don’t think he liked or respected himself much. He made decisions that certainly didn’t show him valuing his-own-self. Scout is Eeyore. He is.. Read More

I can’t make anyone change. I can give myself a break. When things go wrong, I might just not be all my fault. When things go wrong, I might just have had some fault in the matter. That fault is mine. I need to focus on what I need to be doing. Spending three days focusing on Alex is awesome. People love Alex. Doing something nice, and not expecting anything.. Read More

So my friend David kicks my ass. There’s just no bullshitting him. Which is good. And yannow, scary. But considering I’m all about facing down fear these days, and he’s the peroxide for the wound – it’s worthy pain. After my shame post he emailed: Shame…yes…we talked about shame… Shame is best friends with guilt and worry. All three are trigger emotions…telling you to act. What are you supposed to.. Read More

I love that, on occasion, I can feel my joy enough to do this. Photo by Lotus Carroll.

If you look at my facebook profile, you will see that I do not list this website in my profile. I go to conferences, I have paid my own way, I have BEEN paid to speak at conferences – to share what I know. My face has been on websites. My face with a fake name. Most of my family doesn’t know about the blog. The Dude’s family – no.. Read More

I’ve been reading “I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t)” by Brene Brown. It’s about shame. SHAME Yes, it’s just as fun to read about as it is to squirm through when I’m feeling it. When that burn hits my chest of “oh fuck, what did I do?” Yet here I am, doing this work for myself. Sometimes I can only read a few pages a day, sometimes.. Read More

On this “who am I” journey, part of what I have to do is make peace with my past. I also have to define what I know about myself. Some basic truths. Truth #1. I am tenderhearted. I look away from animals dead on the side of the road. As a matter of fact, for a very long time, the only way I could even COPE with those animals on.. Read More