To the outside world, my dad was f’awesome. He had a huge heart and worked hard and was funny and charming and generous. My dad was deep down not a happy person. I knew immediately when he began taking something for it because the mood lifted. I don’t think he liked or respected himself much. He made decisions that certainly didn’t show him valuing his-own-self. Scout is Eeyore. He is.. Read More
Lessons Learned
I can’t make anyone change. I can give myself a break. When things go wrong, I might just not be all my fault. When things go wrong, I might just have had some fault in the matter. That fault is mine. I need to focus on what I need to be doing. Spending three days focusing on Alex is awesome. People love Alex. Doing something nice, and not expecting anything.. Read More
After the Stories
I don’t have much to add after the last big “I am woman hear me roar“. That was the easy part. The running on anger and adrenaline and shock value. Now comes the reality. The – oh. He hasn’t called – I’m not important yet. Dammit. The – wtf, he just drove by and didn’t stop? Oh right. Not important. Yet. Dammit. He came in and finished Alex’s floor and.. Read More
changed the locks
Today I threw my oldest friend out of my house. You are all showing me that I am important. Valued. Loved. Yesterday I specifically told The Dude “you do x and it will piss me off and hurt me. Meanwhile I need you to do z.” This morning I learned that he did NOT do z. And he did do x. Both x and z are insignificant things themselves, they.. Read More
complete lack of gratitude
I’m not grateful. I’ve heard people say after fit hit the shan that they are grateful for the experience because it made them a better person. I am not grateful for this pain. There is a struggle in me and I’m not sure yet who is winning. The one who wants to close off and be bitter. The one who thinks dead would be painless. The one who knows that.. Read More
Reframing
So my friend David kicks my ass. There’s just no bullshitting him. Which is good. And yannow, scary. But considering I’m all about facing down fear these days, and he’s the peroxide for the wound – it’s worthy pain. After my shame post he emailed: Shame…yes…we talked about shame… Shame is best friends with guilt and worry. All three are trigger emotions…telling you to act. What are you supposed to.. Read More
Loving Me
I love that, on occasion, I can feel my joy enough to do this. Photo by Lotus Carroll.
Fear
If you look at my facebook profile, you will see that I do not list this website in my profile. I go to conferences, I have paid my own way, I have BEEN paid to speak at conferences – to share what I know. My face has been on websites. My face with a fake name. Most of my family doesn’t know about the blog. The Dude’s family – no.. Read More
Shame
I’ve been reading “I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t)” by Brene Brown. It’s about shame. SHAME Yes, it’s just as fun to read about as it is to squirm through when I’m feeling it. When that burn hits my chest of “oh fuck, what did I do?” Yet here I am, doing this work for myself. Sometimes I can only read a few pages a day, sometimes.. Read More
I am . . . tenderhearted
On this “who am I” journey, part of what I have to do is make peace with my past. I also have to define what I know about myself. Some basic truths. Truth #1. I am tenderhearted. I look away from animals dead on the side of the road. As a matter of fact, for a very long time, the only way I could even COPE with those animals on.. Read More
Just get through this one . . .
When I was in labor with Alex, the doula told me with each contraction Just get through this one. Focusing on that ONE contraction at a time was what I needed. Just get through this one. With this break up, I’ve been all up in explaining things to other people, and to myself and . . . Just get through this one. Everything has felt so catastrophic to me. Such.. Read More
Calling all Buffy the Vampire Slayer geeks
One of my favorite Buffy writers is Jane Espenson. Loved her stuff anyway, but back when Anissa was coma girl, Jane sent a get well photo of herself holding a sign with a little heart and a stake on it. Rock on. I was listening to a season 6 commentary about the Buffy-bot, and there was a line about “putting marzipan in your pie plate” that was so random. The.. Read More
A bit of an explanation.
So by now, several of you are wondering, “Why the fuck are you putting up with any of this?” Well. The Dude and I have known each other a long time. We’ve been friends through: our middle school awkward phases his parents’ divorce his mom’s coming out his sister’s coming out his mom’s partner’s cancer my dad and wife separating his dad getting remarried his girlfriend’s pregnancy. in high school… Read More