Kaiser Mommy

Choose Joy. Every Time.

Cleaning House

I’m not saying my gut work or my listening work or my forgiveness work is done, but I think I have learned the hard lessons, the basic lessons. The next part is to work on some clearing out of the old. Which for me will very much take shape as literally cleaning house. I have too much shit. Too many projects. Too much clutter. Everyone who has ever lived with.. Read More

My Center

I have had times in my life where I have felt a perfect peace. And shortly after I have had my world fall apart. I’ve always been a little bitter about that – Like oh thanks world, let me be happy and then fuck me over.   So when I found myself on the other side, I was naturally suspicious. I enjoyed the feeling of being stable and centered. And.. Read More

On the Other Side

after listening to my gut, I kept driving east. i had an unfamiliar feeling i was okay i didn’t love each and every thing about my life but i. was. okay. OKAY DAMMIT. i have found the other side. where i am enough. where other things and other people are blessings and i am enough. i. am. enough. I AM ENOUGH!!!

Message from the Gut

I didn’t listen to my Gut last fall. My Gut told me it wasn’t the right time for the Dude and I. I told my Gut to fuck off. In return, my Gut decided that not only did I need to learn how to listen, I also needed a big lesson in forgiveness. Last weekend, I read a book that at some point talked about forgiveness. It said, “Forgiveness is.. Read More

Namaste Bitches.

Most nights after Alex falls asleep, you can find me in my bed, on my “borrowed” wireless, laptop open on my knees, BlackBerry in hand watching for the red light to blink with a message. Eyes closed, breathing in rhythm. Meditating. Talking to God. The Universe. My Gut. Whoever drifts through and wants to chat. I’ve learned a hell of a lot in the last 2 months. I know I.. Read More

all i have to be

Several months ago, Alex was at the peak of his terrible threes, aka his antimommy phase. I broke down sobbing because I KNEW I could not parent this child alone. I was terrified of being overwhelmed and failing. Now what am I doing? I am parenting this beautiful child alone (I am not discounting Scouts excellent fathering, I’m talking about the day to day when it is all on me.).. Read More

Best Funny Baby Shirts

I always get Scout an excellent tshirt for Christmas – the Daddy Needs a Beer shirt from Baby Brewing was an easy pick. (photo from Baby Brewing. Also. When Alex saw this photo he immediately read “Daddy Needs a Beer”. He’s FOUR. So see, Baby Brewing tshirts encourage LITERACY in our nation’s youth.) I heard Kristen speak on a panel back at BlogHer 2008. She talked about the story behind.. Read More

Therapy Day One

Monday was a rough day. I was picking fights with the Dude. Leaving angry voice mails and texts. I was still cutting back my smoking. (old habit back in the last few weeks . . . now down to 3 cigarettes a day.) My boobs hurt. PMS anyone? I realized I had forgotten TWO days of Zoloft. Crap. That quadfecta left me with limited patience for Alex, who of course.. Read More

Touch – free

Over a month ago, I broke down sobbing on the Dude. “No one touches me!” I mourned. I had gone from a relationship that even when the sex and the affection weren’t top priority, we were spooners. Hours each day I was held close in a sleeping embrace. And when the sex and the affection WERE top priority – wow. Just wow. And then it was gone and I was.. Read More

to my dude

I love you. I will always have a place in my heart for you. But I’m taking a break from you. My give a damn is broken. Your bullshit excuses have worn me out. You threw away the thing you had always wanted with both hands. You were tempted, nay obsessed, with someone else. And I will forgive you of that one day soon. I’m using your stupidity and your.. Read More

The Yes

Tonight Ivy and I were at a rehearsal dinner, seeing people we hadn’t seen in years. One of the people was the brother of the bride – an old acquaintance of mine – someone Ivy has known much better. He was holding his new daughter and we were cooing over her after the hugs of “been so long” and “good to see you”. His next question took me by surprise.. Read More

Searching for Joy

So much has changed. The life I imagined for Alex and I just isn’t there anymore. I’m having to let go of so many things that have made me happy. In the last year I have had more joy than in the years before. I miss that joy. That laughter. That hope of a happy future. My heart . . . my spirit . . . hurts so much from.. Read More


First things first. After my post about “are there any happy men” I think some thought I was actually looking for one. Hell no. No men. I have plenty of the critters running around my world, and I like my bed the way it is right now. I was just curious whether or not the mythic “happy man” existed or if society/breeding/Darwin/sports had beaten the happy right out of all.. Read More