Aug 23

What I Hold Most Dear

I’m going through old journals. I have quotes written in them, my own thoughts, my plans. This particular one is over ten years old.

I have two movie quotes my friend Ty shared with me:

Q: Are you in love?

A: I have memorized his phone number, I do not share his toothbrush, it’s somewhere in between.

(I believe it’s from Things to do in Denver when You’re Dead)

The next one I’ve used as a basis for my partners – It meshed well with what I always really thought, it was just phrased prettier

Make a list of the ten things you hold most dear. You never find someone to fill all ten, but if you fill five or six, you’ve done well.”

See. I don’t know about that anymore. Why not expect all ten? Are we selling ourselves and our potential relationships short by just assuming?

In any case. I have a list dated May 20, 2001 that I thought I’d share for giggles. :) Oh what that girl thought she knew. Oh how I wonder what I will think in 2021 of the girl I am now.

Things I Hold Most Dear

Home (I am a daughter of Missouri)

Writing – being able to share (2001 = preblogging wth?)

Family

Church

Camp friends (singing, talking, support, love of a good float trip)

Love

Career goals

Not being pushed away

Education

Ability to make it through the day without a drink or a toke

Having goals – wanting to do something

9-5 M-F regular schedule

Whistle or sing around the house

Make my heart beat faster

Wants kids/good with kids

A dance partner

Turns off the alarm on the first ring

That sharp haircut at the back of the neck

A reader

A roadtripper

 

September 4, 2001 (just before the whole damn world changed)

I learned I need a man I can adore, and I have to be smart enough that I make sure he matches the list and is good to me.

December 10, 2001

I learned I deserve a man who adores me too.

 

I wonder how I got so frickin’ lost along the way – but I know the answer. I did all that work on looking out at what I wanted and I never considered myself. Adoring myself. Nothing in there about choosing joy no matter what.

So if ya need me, I’ll be over here jumpin’ back and kissing myself :)

5
comments

Posted in Choose Joy

Aug 22

Movin’ On

My wise friend Talyaa pointed out that while I may have disconnected from the Dude, that I was still holding on to the anger and hurt of the future I had planned on (and had been promised).

Taking her wise words, I dug out the papers I had with doodles and thoughts and plans . . . Papers I hadn’t thought of till she showed me what was going on that I hadn’t thought of.

So I made a house.

 

and then I burned it down.

 

I set myself free. Again.

Without malice. I just did what needed to be done. There is better out there for me than that future I was so attached to. I see clearly what I want, and why, and I know it’s the very best for me. The very, very, freaking best.

I

(Bulletin board next to my desk at work :) )

9
comments

Posted in Choose Joy

Aug 21

Even the stars knew.

I’m fascinated with astro.com. (Thanks Cathy.) Plug in a person, birthday, birthtime, birthplace and there go hours of my life. Hey, ya’ll have Pinterest, I have astro.com :)

Since ya don’t easily work in “so, where were you born, uh huh, and what time was that?” in casual conversation, it’s a little limited in who you can look at “accurately”.

I got a wild hair to look at my relationship with my Dad according to the computer generated profile.

[This] is one of the more difficult positions for a composite Sun, because it is inherently a house of inequality. In most relationships there must be some balance between taking and giving. But in a relationship with a sixth-house Sun, one partner gives and the other takes. The great danger of this position is that one of you is likely to feel taken advantage of by the other. Fabulous start eh?

…This is the most competitive, argumentative, and pugnacious of all Sun-Mars combinations. It indicates particularly that the two of you have very different energy levels, which can cause all kinds of conflict. The negative and disruptive effects of this aspect can be mitigated if you both are very secure in yourselves. In that case, instead of regarding this competitive energy as a threat, you will take it as a challenge. Joyous.

….It suggests that you have a sense of having come together for a specific and necessary task or purpose that may not be completely pleasant. One of you may feel subordinated to the other in some way. Therefore, this is a difficult placement for any relationship that requires you to give and take equally, as most relationships do. I’m gonna take a guess we accomplished jack.

Venus conjunct Jupiter is one of the best aspects to have in a composite chart. No matter what the purpose of the relationship, this aspect will help fulfill it. Both of you will feel that this relationship reinforces you and makes life easier to bear. You will feel happier and more optimistic, which will help make events go well for you. In a personal relationship with this aspect, love and affection are abundant and easily expressed. You love each other for what you are. You are willing to give each other room to be whatever you want, and your experience of each other is not hindered by too-great expectations. Things can go wrong even with this aspect. But its presence in a composite chart will help the relationship to grow in a positive way and will help both of you to grow within it. Too bad we never made it here.

He would have been 65 last week. I miss him. I think I’m only beginning to mourn the potential relationship that we never got to grow into.

6
comments

Posted in How to Bury a Mortician

Aug 18

Storming the Castle

Continuing to belt Keep Holding On.

I got up today with the words from a friend on my heart

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ”I will try again tomorrow.” - Mary Anne Radmacher

I faced my principal and explained my situation with Alex on some mornings. As soon as she realized I meant SOME mornings and not EVERY morning she was fine. (But the fear I felt at the look on her face before I realized she wasn’t understanding me – GAH.)

She was a single mom once upon a time, and she told me, “I smell what you are stepping in, we’ll get you through.”

She also told me, “Shit happens, we just keep moving forward.”

Heh.

As Susan Niebur taught me – “Just do it afraid.”

And I am.

As much I have to do this on my own, I’m not alone. The bucks all stop here, but my supports are strong.

Today I am grateful for my people. For my people who are thriving who show me the way, for my people who are facing down their own intensities and have the grace to hold me up, for my people who get me, for my people who are so very busy with what is in front of them and still make the time for me.

Thank you for showing me through your words and actions that I am important to you. This road ahead ain’t easy, but you are the shock absorbers and the new tires to my sturdy capable vehicle.

Or some kind of prettier metaphor. :)

 

7
comments

Posted in Choose Joy Every Time

Aug 17

This was never my plan. See also: Scared.

I was supposed to be at work at 9am. My first day back in a school since Alex was born. My first day as a single mom living on my own doing the juggle of parenting and working.

(This was never my plan.)

Alex stayed at Mom’s so this morning was easier. Before I left he told me he didn’t want me to go. Because he would be sad. I asked him what we could do that was fun after I got done with work. He replied, “Go to Kentucky, Go to Molly’s . . . and something else equally impossible that I have apparently blocked from my mind.”

It’s rare that he stops me in my tracks and I feel entirely not up to the honor of being his mommy. This one put me against the wall and broke a part of me.

(This was never my plan.)

I got up early so I would have plenty of time. Next thing I knew it was 9am and I was still home and I was not even dressed.

I couldn’t find my work clothes.

I ran around outside in my rattiest dirtiest clothes, wearing a pair of brown heels. Holding an alternative pair of brown shoes in my hands. Running through mud. Feeling my feet sinking. In the rain. In the storm. Looking at my watch. 915am. How the hell was I late on my first day?

I looked at my watch. 9am. I was late. I couldn’t find my work clothes.

I opened my eyes. It was still dark. It was a dream. It was sometime in the lonely night. I lay there alone.

The minutes I lay in that dark were among the loneliest I have ever made it through.

(This was never my plan.)

I was up with the alarm. I studied my sassy new hair in the mirror but was more aware of the circles and bags under my eyes. The vanity aspect bugged me, but mostly I was so sad for myself – it’s only when I’m this special kind of fragile that my eyes can no longer hide what is in my heart and my head.

I cried. I got dressed. I put on makeup. I cried. I put up a facebook status:

After a night of sleep where all I dreamed about was being late because I couldn’t find any clothes to wear . . . I start my first day of work as a single parent. I’ve already cried twice because I. am. terrified. I’ve never done anything like this alone. What if . . . What if . . .

I drove to work. On time. I sat in the parking lot and checked my facebook page. Words holding me up were right there under my words of fear. Crisscrossing the continent, people reached out and gave me what they could.

I faced the day. I faced the usual stresses of back to school. I met new people. I marked “single” on more boxes than I can count. I didn’t flinch when told we don’t get our first paycheck until September 25th. (nothin’ divided by two equals nothin’ . . . okay so that’s my bank balance and my budget till then. cool. Mortgage companies take smiles in exchange for bills right?)

I sighed when I saw I have breakfast duty two days a week. Compounding my troubles of scheduling Alex’s care on a handful of mornings. I talked to the counselor about it and she wished me luck but didn’t think anyone was going to be helpful based on what she’d seen.

And then I cried again.

(This was never my plan.)

This responsibility is mine. All the bucks stop here. There is no passing on the day to day bumps of single parenting. I am scared like I’ve never been before. NOTHING has panned out as I planned.

In the meantime – Victoria and I are singing Keep Holding On to each other at top volume – holding each other up from thousands of miles away.

 

Thank you all for today.

 

 

20
comments

Posted in Choose Joy Every Time

Aug 12

Newness

Ten new things since Declaration Day.

1. New couch in my living room.

2. New art over my fireplace (10 bucks and some creativity baby!)

3. New kisses from an old friend. (I, of course, mean “friend I’ve had a long time”, I would never call him old . . . :) )

4. New office – perk of being in a school – Alex loves my work.

5. New website for my Kansas City photographer friend.

6. New activities for Alex. New messes for me to clean :)

7. New sense of asskicking to get back what is rightfully mine.

8. New sense of peace, knowing what truly matters.

9. New tires on my car – a job I would have, in the past, waited for a man to take care of.

10. New resolve to always, always, choose joy.

 

6
comments

Posted in Choose Joy Every Time

Aug 01

Declaration Day

I had it marked on the calendar for this 40 some days.

August 1, 2011. Declaration Day.

The day I would end my silence between the Dude and I.

The day I would declare where I stood.

After taking real time to be on my own and examine it all.

After giving him the chance to show how he really felt.

On this day, I declare I am done. After all these months, I am done. After all the praying, reading, learning, trying. I am done.

Knowing that I did everything I could. I exhausted every resource. I exhausted myself. I came up with every viable solution.

Knowing I loved and I loved really well.

Knowing I forgave. Again and again.

I have found abilities in myself that I had never met till now.

Maybe another life, maybe another form of relationship, maybe nothing at all.

Declaration Day.

The day I walk away. My choice.

The day I am done with “could’ve beens” and looking back and regrets.

The day I look at right now and feel ecstatic over how wonderful I am, this day is, my life is.

I am choosing me. I am choosing joy.

I hope you someday find your peace, your love, your joy, and that you realize you are so much more than worthless.

Goodbye, Ryan.

18
comments

Posted in Kaiser Mommy

Aug 01

Bookshelf of Grief and Growing and Recovering

I’ve been asked how I got to the other side, how I went from head in a bottle in bed to joy. It’s lots of stuff, but here’s the book list so far.

1. I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) Telling the Truth about Perfectionism, Inadequacy and Power Brene Brown, Ph.D., L.M.S.W.

I heard Brene at Blissdom and bought two books from her. This book talks about how shame isolates us and makes things worse on everyone and how empathy is always the right answer. It’s a pretty academic read, I think she’s a fabulous speaker – so you may want to check out the TED site or search the net for some of her audio/video presentations before trying this one.

2. Part of The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale

My mom mentioned Guideposts, I went to the site, I found this. Basically, check in with God/Your gut to see if what you want is the right thing, if yes, then create the picture in your mind and go out and get it.

3. Healing Parents – Helping Wounded Children Learn to Trust & Love by Michael Orlans and Terry M. Levy

I  know. You are saying, uh, parenting book? Well. The Dude comes from a fucking fucked up dynamic and there were some similarities between him and the adopted child of a friend. So she recommended this book. I read parts of the book and found things in there that really drove home the work I needed to do with Alex.

4. The DNA of Relationships by Dr. Gary Smalley

Recommended by David B. who can’t keep it in his office because people always take it to read it. Best of the book – protect yourself, respect yourself, “The No Losers Rule”. It gives actual “here, try this communication tip” as opposed to “open communication with your partner”. It’s a really easy read, and I’d tell you more details about it, but CarrieTini absconded with it to Arizona. :) It’s a lot of Christian based stuff – which for me is fine, but I really wish they would write a secular version of it as well – I think the information in there won’t get to some people because they will be turned off by the “Jesus Stuff” Which sucks because, damn, this book is good.

5. The Shack Wm. Paul Young

As my friend David B. put it, “I think God is up there going FUCK YEAH! someone GOT IT!” It explains God and the Trinity in a way that made sense to me. This is the book that taught me the forgiveness lessons. It’s a work of fiction, much in the same vein as The daVinci Code is – as far as an author taking facts/beliefs and building a story around them. David B. told me about it, I ran across it at the grocery store and bought it, CarrieTini mentioned it that same night – apparently this book wanted me to read it.

6. Secrets about life every woman should know – ten principles for total emotional and spiritual fulfillment by Barbara DeAngelis Ph.D.

This is a gift from CarrieTini – the gist – “I Choose Joy” “Grow Little Butterfly Grow” (There’s more to it of course, but it’s one of those that we have had to read in small doses, chew on, discuss, read some more. I’m still chewing.)

–

On the bookshelf

The Gifts of Imperfection – Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are Brene Brown, Ph.D., L.M.S.W. – The other book I bought after hearing her speak at Blissdom

Hold me tight: seven conversations for a lifetime of love - Sue Johnson – rec by CarrieTini’s therapist.

Mother-Daughter Wisdom by Christiane Northrup, M.D. – love other stuff she’s written, figure this is another I’ve always meant to read.

 

 

1
comments

Posted in Kaiser Mommy

Jul 31

For Amanda On Her Birthday

Dear Amanda,

Your words move me, touch me, comfort me, support me, make me nod and smile, make me ache, make me joyful.

I have called your words perfect. Your words have helped me evolve on my own motherhood path.

Buying shoes with you in San Francisco while tiny Finley Frost was wrapped to your chest (before your flight from hell home zomg). Chicago when you physically and emotionally ached for your little one. New York when I only had a moment to tell you that your experience changed my life.

These fleeting moments with you are like the bows that occasionally get the tie the ribbons of connection I feel to your words.

I am, and I will be, forever grateful for your presence in my life, your friendship, and your support.

Much love, thank you, and Happy Birthday,

Dawn

 

2
comments

Posted in Kaiser Mommy

Jul 28

Who I want around

My exercise of the week is to make a list of the kind of people I want in my life – which after this last weekend, is a joy to do because they have been the best possible example of who I want in my world.

I want people who want to get me. ME ME ME ME.

I want people who laugh at my stories.

I want people willing to teach me – not drill me, not tell me wrong, or make me feel like I’m wrong – I want people who know things I don’t and who will share that with me.

Which is a two way street – I want people who will listen to what I know and have to share, ’cause, baby, it’s a LOT.

I want my heart to feel happy when people are around – this is just a heart/gut kind of thing – no mind over matter, just that connection that doesn’t have to make sense, just has to be present.

I want creative people – ideas, writing, music, design, building – I’m unpicky about the outlet, I just want the spark of desire to make something

I want people who will call bullshit. With love. Because they are looking out for me, not because THEY wouldn’t do it MY way, but because they love me.

I want people who are happy. Joyful. Or want to be and are doing the work to find that joy. I’m good with a journey, and being on that journey with people.

I want people who like my music. Preferably who can sing the entire volume of work by the Indigo Girls.

I want people who encourage me. Cheer me on. And who actually want me in their cheering section.

I want dreamers – people who can dream big about SOMETHING and enjoy that dream rather than being sad that the dream isn’t true TODAY.

I want people who understand that family isn’t necessarily blood relations and DNA. Especially for Alex – I don’t regret not having any more children, but I will be very sad if my life doesn’t provide a soul sibling for him. God knows how much I love mine.

I want people who will share their own concept of God with me, Who are growing and willing to talk about their way and my way of understanding.

I want people who can manage their money – I don’t care if they have tons or none at all – just be able to work with what ya got.

And of course, I want people who love mac n cheese, and won’t put pepper in it.

 

4
comments

Posted in Kaiser Mommy

Jul 27

Ten Things People Should Know About Me

1. I don’t check voice mail. Text me.

2. I cannot play any sports. Sad Panda.

3. I only buy super soft sheets.

4. I can’t sleep on huge pillows.

5. I don’t like pepper.

6. I won’t eat beans. Any of them. Gag.

7. I adore all things Joss Whedon.

8. I can’t shop at Victoria’s Secret.

9. I don’t wear perfume. I would, but I just don’t.

10. My answer for dinner could always be Mac n Cheese.

7
comments

Posted in Kaiser Mommy

Jul 26

Happiness

After all the pain and growing and struggle.

After realizing I’m okay. I’m enough. I’m happy. Admitting to the world I like myself.

After choosing joy.

The opportunity for brand! new! shiny! happy! giggles! is amazing.

Being wise about this happy – enjoying the warmth of it, the beams of it coming off me, the uh, forgetting what I’m doing and daydreaming in front of the green tea at the grocery store like a tool . . . where was I . . .

Knowing my happy isn’t dependent on another person lets me be more joyful when others march to my drumbeat.

Knowing I’m okay just as I am let’s me open up to another person, to my friends, take a risk in throwing words out there, discussing ideas, being honest.

Being Me.

I am happy with me. And man I missed me. The real me.

8
comments

Posted in Kaiser Mommy

Jul 25

Dreaming Big Dreams

My friends gave me roots n wings this weekend. I started daydreaming.

I want my home. The home I have. I want to finish the floors and the closets and the trim. I want new appliances and a backyard fence. I want a couch and photos on the wall of the people I love. I want to get the construction destruction cleaned up.

I want my home filled with my friends. That’s the most important thing. Also, if you have enough friends they can form a line and BE the backyard fence. So, bonus.

I want my friendships to be stronger. This last weekend was another opportunity to reconnect – and to be immersed in the knowledge that these people of my youth are absolutely INCREDIBLE adults.

Learning from them showed me what I want to be:

  • organized
  • creative
  • well travelled
  • healthy
  • spiritual
  • fun
  • hotter than the sun

I know I want a man who challenges me, who can keep up with me, who can have fun, and who can make me melt by the very thought of him.

I know I want friends who call bullshit, who support and who celebrate me being me.

Amen to knowing at long last what the hell I want and knowing I can get it all.

5
comments

Posted in Kaiser Mommy

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »