Sep 11

Love and the City

I am a junkie for commentaries on dvds. I adore hearing what was on the minds of the people who created the thing I just watched.

I’ve watched the Sex and the City series over the last few weeks – which I haven’t done before – the last episode is just full of quoteworthy material.

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.”

I like watching a character go through their journey and then hearing the backstory on it – Like when Carrie and Big are laying on the floor of the hotel laughing and they haven’t had the big “you’re the one speech” yet but they are just dying laughing till they cry over how ridiculous the situation is to be all dressed up and laying on the floor of a hotel landing after she’s tripped him . . . and the commentators voice over is about how she never laughed with the Russian and

“she didn’t laugh once that night [with the Russian] – she’s not herself. Ideally to me if you can have the combo of passion and laughter? SOLD!”

It was one of those observations where I went Abso-fuckin-lutely!

I’ve been run over by the whole “love” thing before – thinking that the tinfoil model of “love” was something real – building “relationships” on the “foundation” of that tinfoil – and then being surprised and hurt when it all came crashing down.

Today in church I was pondering the half assed point the minister was trying to make and realized that for me, if my goal is to learn, then learning to be open to ME loving someone on my own terms is a huge lesson for me.

I’ve been hurt. I’ve been destroyed. I’ve rebuilt. I’ve found that exciting, challenging significant relationship with myself.

I’m learning that being passionate is wonderful. That laughter is so important, so healing, so foundation building.

I’m learning that the people I can laugh the hardest with are the ones who I love the most. And the people I can laugh with at the hardest times are the ones where that foundation of trust and of friendship is anything but tinfoil.

 

 

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Posted in Choose Joy Every Time

Sep 07

people person

There’s a weird little flip side to the joys of independence.

The times that I can’t fill the role myself. Like listing “in case of emergency” contacts for work.

This week I was supposed to give the admin my emergency contacts. My mom was a no brainer (if a wee bit pathetic feeling) but a second contact . . . I had no idea. I had no “person”. I was crabby and bugged that I gave a shit that I had no easy answer for my “person”.

I have PEOPLE. Beautiful, wonderful PEOPLE. I have ME. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, and you know why I’m bugged by that empty line? I don’t want to bother someone else. That line was like “who do you most want to inconvenience after your mother?”

Scout still has all my legal paperwork rights – which is great because if anything happens to me, it leaves him able to take care of Alex without anything tying his hands. The jokes about how he will sign a DNR for me if I have a hangnail are also pretty entertaining :) As for an “in case of emergency” – well I don’t think nine hours away is a good distance for reacting to emergency.

So it’s weird – the local people, I wouldn’t really want to inconvenience. The people I know would have my back, I don’t know if it’s really practical. And if it’s an emergency, I’m guessing I can’t really take care of myself.

So the line sits blank and waiting for an answer. Waiting for my person. Meanwhile, I’m grateful for all my people.

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Posted in Choose Joy Every Time, Kaiser Mommy

Sep 05

I will make this a home if it kills me – and it might

Every day I do things on my own. The mom, the home owner, the teacher, the matriarch, the Dawn. I’m pretty bull headed obstinate stubborn determined to do this thing on my own – equal parts independence and not wanting to be a bother to someone else.

My shower head broke this week – spraying water out the back and the front and making an Alex worthy mess of things. My mom recommended a handy man. I bought a new one and happily discovered I can disconnect and reconnect a shower head in under ten minutes, no tools necessary. And tomorrow I will actually be brave enough to make sure it works!

I bought a television. Been here 6 months, finally have a couch, figured it was time for tv. Got overwhelmed, got a gentleman friend* to tell me exactly what to buy. After specific instructions, several clarifications, and much cranky butt confusion on my part, I have a tv and a blu-ray player all hooked up and functional in my living room. (Apparently I have to buy an HDMI cable and some other … fuck if I know …. cables …. to get the REALLY pretty picture in the moving picture box.)

I picked new sheets for my room, I added a memory foam topper (to try to remedy the fact I hate my mattress), I realized that my bed was now taller than my hip bone and several inches taller than my bedside tables. I disassembled my bed, moved the cats out of the way, moved my under-the-bed storage to by-the-bed storage (for now – it matches my clean laundry still on the floor), moved the cats out of the way, put the box spring on the floor, moved the cats out of the way, got the mattress monkey fucked back on by throwing it around and then sitting on the floor and using my feet to push it where I needed it -  and now my bed is several inches SHORTER than my bedside tables – but at least I don’t need stairs to haul myself into bed. The solution to this problem – I’m not sure yet. Ghetto college style cinderblocks? May just be a possibility. Except I’d be the one to have to haul those things around. Screw that.

 

[*Yeah, I think gentleman friend sounds totally lame too - but APPARENTLY "Captain Calico" isn't allowed, so you better come up with something ACME Secret Ident Kit worthy sooner or later :) ]

 

11
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Posted in Drunk Domestic Goddesshood, Kaiser Mommy

Sep 04

Dearest Missouri

I’ve been an Arizona girl in the land of the silicone and sunsets. I’ve been a Minnesota girl with the all things fried on a stick at the State Fair. I’ve been a Kentucky girl surrounded by the history of Mary Todd Lincoln and beautiful tree lined streets and horse fields and bourbon.

I am the prodigal child. I leave, I berate her, I ignore her. She waits for me. Her wicked ice storms blast my homecomings. Her oppressive summer heat makes me sweat and forces my clothes to cling to my body. All four seasons – to the extremes.

Forest Park

I have come home from the desert in the spring and have been overjoyed at green trees over hills and valleys from my feet to the horizon.

Lovely Missouri Hills

Floating in her dirty rivers and lakes, I have connected with my friends – no matter how stretch marked from children or grey haired or calico haired – no matter how long its been since the last time – my huckleberry friends all come home to each other.

Gasconade River 2009

I bitch at her snowfall that turns to ice. (Always, ALWAYS on my birthday weekend.) Grateful the snow will melt in a few days so I can bitch about the mud it leaves behind.

April and May bring the lilacs that remind me of my grandma and our lilac bush. Once a year, she gives me that connection to that woman gone six years now.

Morels fried in cracker crumbs. Catfish fried in cornmeal.

Summer apples – picked warm from the tree, pesticide buffed off on my shorts and eaten right there. Pecans all over my grandma’s yard. Climbing on the roof with my cousins because the pecans on the roof needed to be picked up too.

Homecoming parades full of high school bands and Shriners on their little trikes and bikes and cars.

Hearing the football game from a mile away on a Friday night. Hearing the speedway from MILES away on a Saturday night.

Winding roads, trees, rocks, lakes. Seeing the forest and the trees.

Campfires and songs. Waking in a cabin up from a river bank, covered in thick morning foggy dew.

Mississippi River Scenic Byway in Missouri

Stealth bombers flying overhead as a common daily event.

I went all the way to Germany and loved it best because it reminded me of home.

This home. Where all my ancestors settled over a hundred fifty years ago. Old country cemeteries where I recognize most of the names.

Tiny towns of 300 people. Gravel county roads marked by letters and spotted with Century Farms. Numbered highways surrounded by corn. Adding in extra time for a drive because you never know when you’ll get stuck behind a tractor. The little twinge of decadent guilt when passing a Mennonite horse carriage.

Kansas City and the Plaza Lights and high end shopping.

Springfield and two-thirds of my colleges attended.

M-I-Z-Z-O-U. Jayhawk/Tiger rivalry trash talk at every family function. Royals, Chiefs and Rams.

The Cardinals who kick some serious Game Six Ass!

She ain’t sexy or glamorous. She’s plain spoken and Show Me attituded. I’ve fought her my whole life. Now here I am.

I am Missouri’s daughter. She is my home. As summer is beginning to give up its fight, I realize how ready I am to just rest in her.

She is my home, and with all her flaws and beauty, she is enough. Just like her daughter.

(photos link to original images)

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Posted in Choose Joy Every Time, Good Good Stuff

Aug 31

Puppy Boy

I know I’ve declared that all I have to be is me.

Days like today, there isn’t enough me.

Today Alex needed played and played hard. He kept trying to jump on me. He wanted on my shoulders. “Baby, I can’t do that.”

“Daddy can do it.”

“I know baby, but Mommy can’t.

He wanted to wrestle. He wrestled his teddy bear. (He also gave the teddy bear pretend milk because the teddy bear was sad – well rounded boy, that Alex.)

He needed people to run, jump, fall, tumble, wrestle, bike, tussle, hug, climb and beat on.

I wasn’t that person.

I’m okay with that.

But I hate it for him.

I wonder if I buy him a chew toy if it would help . . .

I wonder if Daddies feel this way when it comes to sitting and cuddling and talking and drying tears . . .***

 

*** Yeah yeah yeah, that’s a generalization that mom’s are calm and dad’s are fun, but dude – there IS something to be said for playing to one’s strengths.

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Posted in Drunk Domestic Goddesshood, Family

Aug 29

Rhythm Method

Ah. Rhythm. Routine. Schedule.

I crave it. I’m not good at keeping it – left on my own I’m far too airy fairy to follow a schedule. I’ve been trying ever since Alex was a wee tot to find a daily routine.

For the last year my routine has been make a mess, eat some fast food, have a smoke, repeat. Occasionally with a blast of cleaning or home repair.

But Rhythm. Ahh Rhythm.

It’s only been a week and I can feel the peace it’s bringing to me. I feel more centered, more capable, more likely to succeed.

I woke before my alarm at 645am. Which, lucky for me, because my alarm didn’t actually make any noise. (Man I need a new phone. And a paycheck. Bygones.) I put on clothes and HEELS (bad move – 4 bandaids on my feet later  . . .)

Last week, I put together the paper schedule for my students. Which is always a tricky thing – pulling students out of class – there are the ‘thou shalt nots’ – like from specials (aka phy ed, music art, recess, lunch) – there are the ‘thou mustn’ts’ (Reading time – aka CAT time. uh okay.) – then there’s the turf. ah the unwritten rules of turf. “oh you can’t take him during Phonics” Uh, wanna bet? Imma show you my federally mandated piece of paperwork signed by the district and parents and damn near God himself that says otherwise . . . .

Oh, but I digress. My bad.

I wrote out draft three of my schedule last week and walked in today on this sunny Monday to follow it and watched it blow the fuck right up :) Did I care? Nope. Really really didn’t. Because I was running around seeing kids, doing my job and documenting my heart out. I honestly have very little remembrance of what I did today because I was THAT busy. Which is fine – it’s all written in my notebook for me to compile the data on later.

I know I’m doing something right – a teacher stopped me in the hall and said, “You are SUCH a breath of fresh air – I want you to know I really appreciate it.”

At the end of the day, I revamped the schedule. Taking the red pen to it and going to talk to teachers. Tomorrow I will try it again, and see how intact I can keep it.

And my feet. Oh fricking aching feet. Running around in heels all day – sweet holy ouch.

On the home front, yesterday, Alex and I were superhero house cleaners. Or at least I was. He decorated my cabinets.

I really just quit on yesterday at that point. Fortunately today being a new day lets me know that I can set the timer and work on each other rooms in the house and find a bit of a rhythm, so MommyNAlex can have the home we want. (I would like to add that Alex just read this entire paragraph as I was typing it. It’s been said, “We all pray for smart kids, I don’t know that we want them as smart as yours.” Holy heck was he right.)

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Posted in Choose Joy Every Time, Domestic Goddess

Aug 25

The Red Dress

There’s this red dress. I bought it a year ago for BlogHer in New York. It worked well when I tried it on and held my breath and posed just right.

 

In practice, it was a little difficult to negotiate after several free drinks. I didn’t care, I was with my beesh . . . look at our smiles.
08.05.10 Dawn & MeI was shimmied into it when it didn’t really fit in January. I didn’t care. I was with my girls.
Blissdom 2011 by Mishelle Lane PhotographyMishi thought I was pretty and took pretty pictures of me in my red dress.

Now I feel awkward with my pretty pictures. I’ve yanked this picture out of this post at least twice. I almost deleted the whole post out of teh awkward.

But I was thinking of my dress . . . it should fit better now . . . I have no place to wear it and throw my arms around my friends to smile big for the camera and not realize or care about the multiple wardrobe malfunctions.

Tonight anyway.

I have plans. Fun and friends and a hot little red dress.

I’m gonna need some great shoes.

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Posted in Choose Joy Every Time

Aug 23

What I Hold Most Dear

I’m going through old journals. I have quotes written in them, my own thoughts, my plans. This particular one is over ten years old.

I have two movie quotes my friend Ty shared with me:

Q: Are you in love?

A: I have memorized his phone number, I do not share his toothbrush, it’s somewhere in between.

(I believe it’s from Things to do in Denver when You’re Dead)

The next one I’ve used as a basis for my partners – It meshed well with what I always really thought, it was just phrased prettier

Make a list of the ten things you hold most dear. You never find someone to fill all ten, but if you fill five or six, you’ve done well.”

See. I don’t know about that anymore. Why not expect all ten? Are we selling ourselves and our potential relationships short by just assuming?

In any case. I have a list dated May 20, 2001 that I thought I’d share for giggles. :) Oh what that girl thought she knew. Oh how I wonder what I will think in 2021 of the girl I am now.

Things I Hold Most Dear

Home (I am a daughter of Missouri)

Writing – being able to share (2001 = preblogging wth?)

Family

Church

Camp friends (singing, talking, support, love of a good float trip)

Love

Career goals

Not being pushed away

Education

Ability to make it through the day without a drink or a toke

Having goals – wanting to do something

9-5 M-F regular schedule

Whistle or sing around the house

Make my heart beat faster

Wants kids/good with kids

A dance partner

Turns off the alarm on the first ring

That sharp haircut at the back of the neck

A reader

A roadtripper

 

September 4, 2001 (just before the whole damn world changed)

I learned I need a man I can adore, and I have to be smart enough that I make sure he matches the list and is good to me.

December 10, 2001

I learned I deserve a man who adores me too.

 

I wonder how I got so frickin’ lost along the way – but I know the answer. I did all that work on looking out at what I wanted and I never considered myself. Adoring myself. Nothing in there about choosing joy no matter what.

So if ya need me, I’ll be over here jumpin’ back and kissing myself :)

5
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Posted in Choose Joy

Aug 22

Movin’ On

My wise friend Talyaa pointed out that while I may have disconnected from the Dude, that I was still holding on to the anger and hurt of the future I had planned on (and had been promised).

Taking her wise words, I dug out the papers I had with doodles and thoughts and plans . . . Papers I hadn’t thought of till she showed me what was going on that I hadn’t thought of.

So I made a house.

 

and then I burned it down.

 

I set myself free. Again.

Without malice. I just did what needed to be done. There is better out there for me than that future I was so attached to. I see clearly what I want, and why, and I know it’s the very best for me. The very, very, freaking best.

I

(Bulletin board next to my desk at work :) )

9
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Posted in Choose Joy

Aug 21

Even the stars knew.

I’m fascinated with astro.com. (Thanks Cathy.) Plug in a person, birthday, birthtime, birthplace and there go hours of my life. Hey, ya’ll have Pinterest, I have astro.com :)

Since ya don’t easily work in “so, where were you born, uh huh, and what time was that?” in casual conversation, it’s a little limited in who you can look at “accurately”.

I got a wild hair to look at my relationship with my Dad according to the computer generated profile.

[This] is one of the more difficult positions for a composite Sun, because it is inherently a house of inequality. In most relationships there must be some balance between taking and giving. But in a relationship with a sixth-house Sun, one partner gives and the other takes. The great danger of this position is that one of you is likely to feel taken advantage of by the other. Fabulous start eh?

…This is the most competitive, argumentative, and pugnacious of all Sun-Mars combinations. It indicates particularly that the two of you have very different energy levels, which can cause all kinds of conflict. The negative and disruptive effects of this aspect can be mitigated if you both are very secure in yourselves. In that case, instead of regarding this competitive energy as a threat, you will take it as a challenge. Joyous.

….It suggests that you have a sense of having come together for a specific and necessary task or purpose that may not be completely pleasant. One of you may feel subordinated to the other in some way. Therefore, this is a difficult placement for any relationship that requires you to give and take equally, as most relationships do. I’m gonna take a guess we accomplished jack.

Venus conjunct Jupiter is one of the best aspects to have in a composite chart. No matter what the purpose of the relationship, this aspect will help fulfill it. Both of you will feel that this relationship reinforces you and makes life easier to bear. You will feel happier and more optimistic, which will help make events go well for you. In a personal relationship with this aspect, love and affection are abundant and easily expressed. You love each other for what you are. You are willing to give each other room to be whatever you want, and your experience of each other is not hindered by too-great expectations. Things can go wrong even with this aspect. But its presence in a composite chart will help the relationship to grow in a positive way and will help both of you to grow within it. Too bad we never made it here.

He would have been 65 last week. I miss him. I think I’m only beginning to mourn the potential relationship that we never got to grow into.

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Posted in How to Bury a Mortician

Aug 18

Storming the Castle

Continuing to belt Keep Holding On.

I got up today with the words from a friend on my heart

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ”I will try again tomorrow.” - Mary Anne Radmacher

I faced my principal and explained my situation with Alex on some mornings. As soon as she realized I meant SOME mornings and not EVERY morning she was fine. (But the fear I felt at the look on her face before I realized she wasn’t understanding me – GAH.)

She was a single mom once upon a time, and she told me, “I smell what you are stepping in, we’ll get you through.”

She also told me, “Shit happens, we just keep moving forward.”

Heh.

As Susan Niebur taught me – “Just do it afraid.”

And I am.

As much I have to do this on my own, I’m not alone. The bucks all stop here, but my supports are strong.

Today I am grateful for my people. For my people who are thriving who show me the way, for my people who are facing down their own intensities and have the grace to hold me up, for my people who get me, for my people who are so very busy with what is in front of them and still make the time for me.

Thank you for showing me through your words and actions that I am important to you. This road ahead ain’t easy, but you are the shock absorbers and the new tires to my sturdy capable vehicle.

Or some kind of prettier metaphor. :)

 

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Posted in Choose Joy Every Time

Aug 17

This was never my plan. See also: Scared.

I was supposed to be at work at 9am. My first day back in a school since Alex was born. My first day as a single mom living on my own doing the juggle of parenting and working.

(This was never my plan.)

Alex stayed at Mom’s so this morning was easier. Before I left he told me he didn’t want me to go. Because he would be sad. I asked him what we could do that was fun after I got done with work. He replied, “Go to Kentucky, Go to Molly’s . . . and something else equally impossible that I have apparently blocked from my mind.”

It’s rare that he stops me in my tracks and I feel entirely not up to the honor of being his mommy. This one put me against the wall and broke a part of me.

(This was never my plan.)

I got up early so I would have plenty of time. Next thing I knew it was 9am and I was still home and I was not even dressed.

I couldn’t find my work clothes.

I ran around outside in my rattiest dirtiest clothes, wearing a pair of brown heels. Holding an alternative pair of brown shoes in my hands. Running through mud. Feeling my feet sinking. In the rain. In the storm. Looking at my watch. 915am. How the hell was I late on my first day?

I looked at my watch. 9am. I was late. I couldn’t find my work clothes.

I opened my eyes. It was still dark. It was a dream. It was sometime in the lonely night. I lay there alone.

The minutes I lay in that dark were among the loneliest I have ever made it through.

(This was never my plan.)

I was up with the alarm. I studied my sassy new hair in the mirror but was more aware of the circles and bags under my eyes. The vanity aspect bugged me, but mostly I was so sad for myself – it’s only when I’m this special kind of fragile that my eyes can no longer hide what is in my heart and my head.

I cried. I got dressed. I put on makeup. I cried. I put up a facebook status:

After a night of sleep where all I dreamed about was being late because I couldn’t find any clothes to wear . . . I start my first day of work as a single parent. I’ve already cried twice because I. am. terrified. I’ve never done anything like this alone. What if . . . What if . . .

I drove to work. On time. I sat in the parking lot and checked my facebook page. Words holding me up were right there under my words of fear. Crisscrossing the continent, people reached out and gave me what they could.

I faced the day. I faced the usual stresses of back to school. I met new people. I marked “single” on more boxes than I can count. I didn’t flinch when told we don’t get our first paycheck until September 25th. (nothin’ divided by two equals nothin’ . . . okay so that’s my bank balance and my budget till then. cool. Mortgage companies take smiles in exchange for bills right?)

I sighed when I saw I have breakfast duty two days a week. Compounding my troubles of scheduling Alex’s care on a handful of mornings. I talked to the counselor about it and she wished me luck but didn’t think anyone was going to be helpful based on what she’d seen.

And then I cried again.

(This was never my plan.)

This responsibility is mine. All the bucks stop here. There is no passing on the day to day bumps of single parenting. I am scared like I’ve never been before. NOTHING has panned out as I planned.

In the meantime – Victoria and I are singing Keep Holding On to each other at top volume – holding each other up from thousands of miles away.

 

Thank you all for today.

 

 

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Posted in Choose Joy Every Time

Aug 12

Newness

Ten new things since Declaration Day.

1. New couch in my living room.

2. New art over my fireplace (10 bucks and some creativity baby!)

3. New kisses from an old friend. (I, of course, mean “friend I’ve had a long time”, I would never call him old . . . :) )

4. New office – perk of being in a school – Alex loves my work.

5. New website for my Kansas City photographer friend.

6. New activities for Alex. New messes for me to clean :)

7. New sense of asskicking to get back what is rightfully mine.

8. New sense of peace, knowing what truly matters.

9. New tires on my car – a job I would have, in the past, waited for a man to take care of.

10. New resolve to always, always, choose joy.

 

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Posted in Choose Joy Every Time

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