I’ve long had the idea that if I took a section of time and REALLY looked at myself and REALLY worked toward taking care of myself in a focused effort to get my act together – and everyone else was doing the same thing with their ownselves – and THEN WE all reached out to one other person and helped THEM . . . and so on and so forth . . . That things just might actually improve.
As it is now, I run around trying to take care of other people, leaving my own stuff unattended. I focus on people (sometimes) who aren’t helping me in the slightest. I get distracted by the bright shiny and neglect what is most important to me.
This month is going to be different. While the rest of world is barfing up pink and saving the tatas, I am going to be selfishly saving my sanity. I am spending this month focused on what needs to happen next. Focusing on this present day. Not looking at the past and moping about what hasn’t worked out. Not worrying about the future and all the things I cannot control. Not getting lost in daydreams about how I want things to be. Truthfully, the dreaming of what I want is only hurting me, planning a future with factors I can’t control is just defeating. Better plan is to focus on now and see what I can mojo in this moment.
I’ve met my breaking point with work and found my way to focus and help, with the help of a long phone call and the friend who understood me best in that struggle. What I learned from that is it’s okay to let other’s carry me when I struggle. It’s actually okay to admit I’m in a struggle in the first place.
This is my selfish month. I’m not ignoring or neglecting anyone else, but I will be interested to see who picks up the phone, who writes the emails, who checks in on me, while I’m focusing on this life right here right now.
It’s been a weekend of cleaning and head clearing. I have some ties I need to wrap up that are holding me tethered to what isn’t working. Nothing like scrubbing a floor for a few hours to help me focus on the words I need to write.
If you need me, I’m ovah heah gettin’ my headspace together. If I am who you need, I’m still right here for you. Please don’t forget about me. Please love me when I’m back around in your world. Please forgive me for taking my selfish time.
3 Comments
K. C
Hardly selfish. You can’t take care of bidness unless you’re healthy and in a good place, not to mention Alex. I applaud you! I’ll be thinking of you. XOXO
Colleen - Mommy Always Wins
Again, I can totally relate to this. TOTALLY.
This is what I call my “airplane scenario”: when you’re on a plane and they go over the safety instructions, they tell you that if the oxygen masks fall from the overhead compartments you should put YOURS on before you help your kids or anyone else. YOU CANNOT BE ANY USE TO ANYONE IF YOU’RE NOT TAKEN CARE OF FIRST.
I try to remember this more often these days, but I’d be lying if I said I was any good at it.
I also am having a HUGE struggle with the letting go of the past AND the future thing. In fact, hey! Seeing my shrink in 30 minutes to talk about this issue. In just the past two or three days I’ve gotten this “big picture” view of where I’d like my life to be — it involves no details as to where I’ll be living or who I’ll be dating or ANYTHING like that, but rather I see me as more “together”…both physically and emotionally…with my happy kids and that’s all. It sounds simple but its taken me a long time to get to this “ok” place in my head. I’m just hoping I can keep it there!
Bridget
Damn the bright shiny stuff. Gets me every time.
Maybe this is just the kick in the pants I need to do a little refocusing on myself, too. What I’m doing (or actually NOT doing) is obviously not working…