10:17 am gonna be one of those classes where its real hard to make my face not tell my feelings 11:41 am Made it 9 days into 2017 before the first ER appearance (Mom) I’d take selfies of us but she could still smack me down. (even with an emesis bag and weird BP). 4:00 pm Made it 9 days into 2017 before the first ambulance transport to KC. (Mom’s.. Read More
My Tabitha posted this – and while it might ring true for some – It doesn’t for me, that post smacked of giving up and I’m far from giving up. So here is my version. First. Your midlife body. For the first time ever, this is your body. Not out to be skinnier than the girl next you, not gearing up to be pregnant, nurse, lose the baby weight. This body is.. Read More
Today I accepted that I am the grown up. I have fought that since February 7th when I found my mom unresponsive on her couch. It used to be when things were awful, my parents shielded me from it. Mom and the veterinarian did their part before Dad and the shovel arrived in the backyard. Today Mom called me that Tavish was in the bathroom and she wasn’t sure she.. Read More
On the eve of 40, I wrote the retrospective of life up to that point – 39 years, 364 days. I wrote about Mom When I look at Mom, she looks more like my grandparents and less like my Mom and it scares me and sometimes I can’t look at her. Sometimes I let myself try to understand that the empty gut horror oozing through the numbness feeling will hit.. Read More
I read something in August or so about a couple who consciously let go of their home because they knew they couldn’t keep up with it and they could choose a life or choose to keep paying faceless mortgage brokers. In August I again paid all my bills and my minimum payments on the credit card and felt all the things you feel when things are tight but not quite.. Read More
I woke up this morning talking to Dad. About how he was bigger than life. Knowing that if he were alive, he would still be making mistakes that would keep us apart … me mad, him stubborn. He felt very close. Once I was up, I saw the date. August 16th. He was born 69 years ago today. No wonder he was hanging out … he was waiting for a.. Read More
Ah the AdvoCare cleanse. I farted in front of M’Love more in these last four days than I have in the last four years combined. Still better than overtrusting a pizza roll fart (with catastrophic results), but wow. Doing a little research, there is Niacin in a lot of the products – so I think I get how they are talking about “toxins” – but Niacin is (maybe) good for clearing.. Read More
Not gonna lie. Day 4 was yesterday and it was hard. My body realized I’m not going to be feeding it all the things and revolted in hunger followed by a nap. We went to the races where I was climbing stairs in the humidity and was out of breath and uncomfortable. The voices in my head were all “you could be the one person who never loses weight on.. Read More
Wow. So AdvoCare might be made of the energy of a four year old on a sugar high. I have cleaned the living crap out of “The Messy Room” – moving boxes, throwing things out (Contractor sized trash bag so full I can’t move it. No Hulk Strength yet, I guess.) I can see the floor. Which is A Thing. Our bedroom is almost finished. I basically ate the same.. Read More
I don’t have my Spark yet, so I drank a Plexus Slim. I’m willing to bet they are similar enough to keep me from a no coffee headache (My main goal of the day is to get through it without a no coffee migraine. It is 1:06pm and so far so good.) I took the morning Herbal Cleanse dose. I drank the Fiber (unflavored). It was not as bad as.. Read More
This one word sums up everything I need to work on. Solution to a messy house? Mindfulness. Solution to my weight? Mindfulness. Solution to my money? Mindfulness. I simply need to stop and focus on what is in front of me. Simple concept. Difficult to do. I have been working on our bedroom, I repainted the closet – getting rid of the paint from a friend who isn’t a friend.. Read More
Family legend has it that sometime in the spring of 1948, my grandfather was found in his shop beating a piece of metal with a hammer. He was beating some KKK emblem into something unrecognizable so no one would be able to own this thing of his father’s with pride. Missouri is a difficult place for race. It has been described as a home of covert racism rather than overt.. Read More
I’m gonna let it shine… I’m grateful for this place. I haven’t told anyone I’m writing, haven’t posted on Facebook links to these posts, even pretty sure the feed is busted and not going to people who have given a damn in the last eight years. But I’m grateful at the end of the day to have this place I created for myself and to come back to it. I’m.. Read More