I didn’t listen to my Gut last fall. My Gut told me it wasn’t the right time for the Dude and I. I told my Gut to fuck off. In return, my Gut decided that not only did I need to learn how to listen, I also needed a big lesson in forgiveness. Last weekend, I read a book that at some point talked about forgiveness. It said, “Forgiveness is.. Read More
Namaste Bitches.
Most nights after Alex falls asleep, you can find me in my bed, on my “borrowed” wireless, laptop open on my knees, BlackBerry in hand watching for the red light to blink with a message. Eyes closed, breathing in rhythm. Meditating. Talking to God. The Universe. My Gut. Whoever drifts through and wants to chat. I’ve learned a hell of a lot in the last 2 months. I know I.. Read More
all i have to be
Several months ago, Alex was at the peak of his terrible threes, aka his antimommy phase. I broke down sobbing because I KNEW I could not parent this child alone. I was terrified of being overwhelmed and failing. Now what am I doing? I am parenting this beautiful child alone (I am not discounting Scouts excellent fathering, I’m talking about the day to day when it is all on me.).. Read More
Therapy Day One
Monday was a rough day. I was picking fights with the Dude. Leaving angry voice mails and texts. I was still cutting back my smoking. (old habit back in the last few weeks . . . now down to 3 cigarettes a day.) My boobs hurt. PMS anyone? I realized I had forgotten TWO days of Zoloft. Crap. That quadfecta left me with limited patience for Alex, who of course.. Read More
Touch – free
Over a month ago, I broke down sobbing on the Dude. “No one touches me!” I mourned. I had gone from a relationship that even when the sex and the affection weren’t top priority, we were spooners. Hours each day I was held close in a sleeping embrace. And when the sex and the affection WERE top priority – wow. Just wow. And then it was gone and I was.. Read More
to my dude
I love you. I will always have a place in my heart for you. But I’m taking a break from you. My give a damn is broken. Your bullshit excuses have worn me out. You threw away the thing you had always wanted with both hands. You were tempted, nay obsessed, with someone else. And I will forgive you of that one day soon. I’m using your stupidity and your.. Read More
The Yes
Tonight Ivy and I were at a rehearsal dinner, seeing people we hadn’t seen in years. One of the people was the brother of the bride – an old acquaintance of mine – someone Ivy has known much better. He was holding his new daughter and we were cooing over her after the hugs of “been so long” and “good to see you”. His next question took me by surprise.. Read More
Searching for Joy
So much has changed. The life I imagined for Alex and I just isn’t there anymore. I’m having to let go of so many things that have made me happy. In the last year I have had more joy than in the years before. I miss that joy. That laughter. That hope of a happy future. My heart . . . my spirit . . . hurts so much from.. Read More
Revelations
First things first. After my post about “are there any happy men” I think some thought I was actually looking for one. Hell no. No men. I have plenty of the critters running around my world, and I like my bed the way it is right now. I was just curious whether or not the mythic “happy man” existed or if society/breeding/Darwin/sports had beaten the happy right out of all.. Read More
Are there any happy men?
To the outside world, my dad was f’awesome. He had a huge heart and worked hard and was funny and charming and generous. My dad was deep down not a happy person. I knew immediately when he began taking something for it because the mood lifted. I don’t think he liked or respected himself much. He made decisions that certainly didn’t show him valuing his-own-self. Scout is Eeyore. He is.. Read More
Lessons Learned
I can’t make anyone change. I can give myself a break. When things go wrong, I might just not be all my fault. When things go wrong, I might just have had some fault in the matter. That fault is mine. I need to focus on what I need to be doing. Spending three days focusing on Alex is awesome. People love Alex. Doing something nice, and not expecting anything.. Read More
After the Stories
I don’t have much to add after the last big “I am woman hear me roar“. That was the easy part. The running on anger and adrenaline and shock value. Now comes the reality. The – oh. He hasn’t called – I’m not important yet. Dammit. The – wtf, he just drove by and didn’t stop? Oh right. Not important. Yet. Dammit. He came in and finished Alex’s floor and.. Read More
changed the locks
Today I threw my oldest friend out of my house. You are all showing me that I am important. Valued. Loved. Yesterday I specifically told The Dude “you do x and it will piss me off and hurt me. Meanwhile I need you to do z.” This morning I learned that he did NOT do z. And he did do x. Both x and z are insignificant things themselves, they.. Read More