I’ve been asked how I got to the other side, how I went from head in a bottle in bed to joy. It’s lots of stuff, but here’s the book list so far.

1. I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) Telling the Truth about Perfectionism, Inadequacy and Power Brene Brown, Ph.D., L.M.S.W.

I heard Brene at Blissdom and bought two books from her. This book talks about how shame isolates us and makes things worse on everyone and how empathy is always the right answer. It’s a pretty academic read, I think she’s a fabulous speaker – so you may want to check out the TED site or search the net for some of her audio/video presentations before trying this one.

2. Part of The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale

My mom mentioned Guideposts, I went to the site, I found this. Basically, check in with God/Your gut to see if what you want is the right thing, if yes, then create the picture in your mind and go out and get it.

3. Healing Parents – Helping Wounded Children Learn to Trust & Love by Michael Orlans and Terry M. Levy

I  know. You are saying, uh, parenting book? Well. The Dude comes from a fucking fucked up dynamic and there were some similarities between him and the adopted child of a friend. So she recommended this book. I read parts of the book and found things in there that really drove home the work I needed to do with Alex.

4. The DNA of Relationships by Dr. Gary Smalley

Recommended by David B. who can’t keep it in his office because people always take it to read it. Best of the book – protect yourself, respect yourself, “The No Losers Rule”. It gives actual “here, try this communication tip” as opposed to “open communication with your partner”. It’s a really easy read, and I’d tell you more details about it, but CarrieTini absconded with it to Arizona. It’s a lot of Christian based stuff – which for me is fine, but I really wish they would write a secular version of it as well – I think the information in there won’t get to some people because they will be turned off by the “Jesus Stuff” Which sucks because, damn, this book is good.

5. The Shack Wm. Paul Young

As my friend David B. put it, “I think God is up there going FUCK YEAH! someone GOT IT!” It explains God and the Trinity in a way that made sense to me. This is the book that taught me the forgiveness lessons. It’s a work of fiction, much in the same vein as The daVinci Code is – as far as an author taking facts/beliefs and building a story around them. David B. told me about it, I ran across it at the grocery store and bought it, CarrieTini mentioned it that same night – apparently this book wanted me to read it.

6. Secrets about life every woman should know – ten principles for total emotional and spiritual fulfillment by Barbara DeAngelis Ph.D.

This is a gift from CarrieTini – the gist – “I Choose Joy” “Grow Little Butterfly Grow” (There’s more to it of course, but it’s one of those that we have had to read in small doses, chew on, discuss, read some more. I’m still chewing.)

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On the bookshelf

The Gifts of Imperfection – Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are Brene Brown, Ph.D., L.M.S.W. – The other book I bought after hearing her speak at Blissdom

Hold me tight: seven conversations for a lifetime of love - Sue Johnson – rec by CarrieTini’s therapist.

Mother-Daughter Wisdom by Christiane Northrup, M.D. – love other stuff she’s written, figure this is another I’ve always meant to read.

Dear Amanda,

Your words move me, touch me, comfort me, support me, make me nod and smile, make me ache, make me joyful.

I have called your words perfect. Your words have helped me evolve on my own motherhood path.

Buying shoes with you in San Francisco while tiny Finley Frost was wrapped to your chest (before your flight from hell home zomg). Chicago when you physically and emotionally ached for your little one. New York when I only had a moment to tell you that your experience changed my life.

These fleeting moments with you are like the bows that occasionally get the tie the ribbons of connection I feel to your words.

I am, and I will be, forever grateful for your presence in my life, your friendship, and your support.

Much love, thank you, and Happy Birthday,

Dawn

My exercise of the week is to make a list of the kind of people I want in my life – which after this last weekend, is a joy to do because they have been the best possible example of who I want in my world.

I want people who want to get me. ME ME ME ME.

I want people who laugh at my stories.

I want people willing to teach me – not drill me, not tell me wrong, or make me feel like I’m wrong – I want people who know things I don’t and who will share that with me.

Which is a two way street – I want people who will listen to what I know and have to share, ’cause, baby, it’s a LOT.

I want my heart to feel happy when people are around – this is just a heart/gut kind of thing – no mind over matter, just that connection that doesn’t have to make sense, just has to be present.

I want creative people – ideas, writing, music, design, building – I’m unpicky about the outlet, I just want the spark of desire to make something

I want people who will call bullshit. With love. Because they are looking out for me, not because THEY wouldn’t do it MY way, but because they love me.

I want people who are happy. Joyful. Or want to be and are doing the work to find that joy. I’m good with a journey, and being on that journey with people.

I want people who like my music. Preferably who can sing the entire volume of work by the Indigo Girls.

I want people who encourage me. Cheer me on. And who actually want me in their cheering section.

I want dreamers – people who can dream big about SOMETHING and enjoy that dream rather than being sad that the dream isn’t true TODAY.

I want people who understand that family isn’t necessarily blood relations and DNA. Especially for Alex – I don’t regret not having any more children, but I will be very sad if my life doesn’t provide a soul sibling for him. God knows how much I love mine.

I want people who will share their own concept of God with me, Who are growing and willing to talk about their way and my way of understanding.

I want people who can manage their money – I don’t care if they have tons or none at all – just be able to work with what ya got.

And of course, I want people who love mac n cheese, and won’t put pepper in it.

1. I don’t check voice mail. Text me.

2. I cannot play any sports. Sad Panda.

3. I only buy super soft sheets.

4. I can’t sleep on huge pillows.

5. I don’t like pepper.

6. I won’t eat beans. Any of them. Gag.

7. I adore all things Joss Whedon.

8. I can’t shop at Victoria’s Secret.

9. I don’t wear perfume. I would, but I just don’t.

10. My answer for dinner could always be Mac n Cheese.

After all the pain and growing and struggle.

After realizing I’m okay. I’m enough. I’m happy. Admitting to the world I like myself.

After choosing joy.

The opportunity for brand! new! shiny! happy! giggles! is amazing.

Being wise about this happy – enjoying the warmth of it, the beams of it coming off me, the uh, forgetting what I’m doing and daydreaming in front of the green tea at the grocery store like a tool . . . where was I . . .

Knowing my happy isn’t dependent on another person lets me be more joyful when others march to my drumbeat.

Knowing I’m okay just as I am let’s me open up to another person, to my friends, take a risk in throwing words out there, discussing ideas, being honest.

Being Me.

I am happy with me. And man I missed me. The real me.

My friends gave me roots n wings this weekend. I started daydreaming.

I want my home. The home I have. I want to finish the floors and the closets and the trim. I want new appliances and a backyard fence. I want a couch and photos on the wall of the people I love. I want to get the construction destruction cleaned up.

I want my home filled with my friends. That’s the most important thing. Also, if you have enough friends they can form a line and BE the backyard fence. So, bonus.

I want my friendships to be stronger. This last weekend was another opportunity to reconnect – and to be immersed in the knowledge that these people of my youth are absolutely INCREDIBLE adults.

Learning from them showed me what I want to be:

• organized
• creative
• well travelled
• healthy
• spiritual
• fun
• hotter than the sun

I know I want a man who challenges me, who can keep up with me, who can have fun, and who can make me melt by the very thought of him.

I know I want friends who call bullshit, who support and who celebrate me being me.

Amen to knowing at long last what the hell I want and knowing I can get it all.

I dreamed of a new future this weekend.

I felt that tingle of anticipation. Of new.

Doesn’t matter if it happens or not.

It was freeing and healing to picture something completely different than what I had planned.

Being open to a new possibility.

Excited.

Anxious.

Contemplating jumping off that cliff.

It feels amazing.

Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real? – Dumbledore HP7

 

I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone? (Last line in Stand By Me)

My magic age for having those friends was 17, and I am sitting under the stars, next to the lake of my youth, in the hotter than hell Midwest July surrounded by seven of them.(Yes everyone else has their phone out sometimes)

The music from the guitar – missed chords from being out of practice. Voices rusty because its been so long since we sang together at the top of our lungs because we were young and we could.

I don’t know why I’m with these particular 7 people on this particular night, but so much yay because I am.