Kaiser Mommy

Choose Joy. Every Time.

Nominate me for the Nobel Peace Prize

Seriously. I have figured out some serious shit today. In reading the book The Sweet Potato Queens’ Field Guide to Men: Every Man I Love Is Either Married, Gay, or Dead the author talks about “Man Ears”. To quickly sum up – Man Ears is what all men have that make it so that everything we say somehow becomes an invitation for sex. Example: “Let’s watch a movie” becomes “I.. Read More


Annoyed with the midwife today. Wtf is it with people and the freak out over OMG YOU DIDN’T POP THIS KID OUT ON THE DUE DATE WE MADE UP FROM THIN FUCKING AIR? Never mind that her “exam” was so fucking rough I finally asked her if she was wearing a ring when her knuckle was pushing through my taint (Okay fine, women don’t have a taint, but you get.. Read More


I’ve been crampy for a couple of hours. I’m sure it’s just wishful thinking…. but wouldn’t it be nice….


I started arranging the washcloths at Restoration Hardware today – they were messed up and I was compulsively correcting them. Hopefully that is a good sign!

Day 282

Incoherent, sleepy, achy, gaining weight by merely looking at food. Come on Alex, join the world.

Day 281.5

I shopped today. People thought I was due weeks from now – flattering. Bought clothes that I’ll get to wear soon – or now if I’m stubborn about it. I keep trying to connect my heart with Alex’s. It sounds sweet, but the majority of my communication from my heart to his is “please be born, please be born, please be born now.”

Day 281

Oh boy. “Overdue”. Big whoop. I’m so relieved to have a couple of days off so I don’t have to deal with people from work and all the comments. I think Scout’s ready for me to stay home just so I don’t come home and complain. One of them started asking me the routine list of dumb questions yesterday at 728am, (when I’d woken up at 647am), before I had.. Read More

Advice from 40 weeks to 34 weeks

This is part of the email I wrote to my sister in law this morning while not sleeping – She’s at 34 weeks and convinced something must be wrong with her or the baby in order for her to be feeling so much pain: No no, feel free to bitch my direction. I totally understand, and you know I’m not going to pat you on the head and try to.. Read More

Questions of Death

Kristen and I just got off the phone. She is in week 18. I am in week 118. No no, week 39 I mean. We each asked each other the questions of death – Me: Boy or girl?Her: Don’t know, had to reschedule the appointment. Do you have a baby yet?Me: Not yet. We likely asked each other the very same questions that many other people have asked us and.. Read More


Now, Scout and I were born during snow storms, so naturally I assumed Alex would be too, even though Scout scoffed at me because his due date was April. Now I’m here to tell you, it looks like freaking Winter Wonderland outside … WHERE is my baby? Snug as a bug in my tum. What a man.


Things are that suck: Snowing on APRIL 11TH!!! Seriously!!!!! Things that don’t suck (aka a positive byproduct of pregnancy) Actual orgasms during dreams.

Too tired to be observant

Came home, had contractions (little ones), had back ache, took nap (three hours), woke up, snowing in April outside, no contractions, no back ache, still crazy tired. Dorothy and I talked about the dissolving of the good girl complex and how nice it is to have the strength and the scapegoat of pregnancy to justify the being bitchy. I should really spend some time chatting about that, it’s absolutely one.. Read More