Kaiser Mommy

Choose Joy. Every Time.

Day 281.5

I shopped today. People thought I was due weeks from now – flattering. Bought clothes that I’ll get to wear soon – or now if I’m stubborn about it. I keep trying to connect my heart with Alex’s. It sounds sweet, but the majority of my communication from my heart to his is “please be born, please be born, please be born now.”

Day 281

Oh boy. “Overdue”. Big whoop. I’m so relieved to have a couple of days off so I don’t have to deal with people from work and all the comments. I think Scout’s ready for me to stay home just so I don’t come home and complain. One of them started asking me the routine list of dumb questions yesterday at 728am, (when I’d woken up at 647am), before I had made it to.. Read More

Advice from 40 weeks to 34 weeks

This is part of the email I wrote to my sister in law this morning while not sleeping – She’s at 34 weeks and convinced something must be wrong with her or the baby in order for her to be feeling so much pain: No no, feel free to bitch my direction. I totally understand, and you know I’m not going to pat you on the head and try to feed you some.. Read More

Questions of Death

Kristen and I just got off the phone. She is in week 18. I am in week 118. No no, week 39 I mean. We each asked each other the questions of death – Me: Boy or girl?Her: Don’t know, had to reschedule the appointment. Do you have a baby yet?Me: Not yet. We likely asked each other the very same questions that many other people have asked us and then pissed us.. Read More


Now, Scout and I were born during snow storms, so naturally I assumed Alex would be too, even though Scout scoffed at me because his due date was April. Now I’m here to tell you, it looks like freaking Winter Wonderland outside … WHERE is my baby? Snug as a bug in my tum. What a man.

Too tired to be observant

Came home, had contractions (little ones), had back ache, took nap (three hours), woke up, snowing in April outside, no contractions, no back ache, still crazy tired. Dorothy and I talked about the dissolving of the good girl complex and how nice it is to have the strength and the scapegoat of pregnancy to justify the being bitchy. I should really spend some time chatting about that, it’s absolutely one of the BEST.. Read More

4 days

“You’re here?” “You’re here!” “I wondered if you’d be here today.” “What are you doing here?” “WHEN are you due?” All comments heard all freaking day from anyone who I remotely regularly talk to at work. Along with the follow up question: “Do you think you’ll go early?” (because clearly I’m fucking omnipotent and have compwete and tow-tal contwol over dis pwegnancy) Advice from Heidi at work (unfortunately she gave me this advice.. Read More

Something that helps

I don’t brag on my husband very often, but after having a rather rough day, and him engineering a way to get the mobile attached to the bed, I have to say, slow dancing to the Pottery Barn Kids mobile rendition of “Walk with the animals” with him did make me feel more like facing this parenthood thing.

5 days ish

Easter. Still not loving Easter. Today was meltdown day again. Scared. Scared of change, scared of what could go wrong, really not happy that after 10 months of sheer bliss I’m rewarded with some hella pain to make the 10 months of sheer bliss end. I mean, really, wouldn’t a tantric orgasm covered in chocolate really be better payback. And I mean an orgasm like a guy has one – something easy, not.. Read More

Fysfunctional Damilies

I always knew where I fit with my mom’s pack of family. To screw me up, all you had to do was throw me to a weekend at my dad’s during the teen years and I knew I was the octagonal peg and I had no clue what shape the hole was I was supposed to fit. Fast forward a decade or so and I learned that all four of us kids felt.. Read More